7. Marketing/Advertising bods.

I don't hate them of course, I was one! I just dislike the fact that they do stuff that is designed to mislead us and tempt us to part with our hard earned money. They're clever people and, probably more so than psychologists, social workers, priests etc., they understand the way we humans think and act.

I suppose what I really do hate is when non marketing, non scientific people quote the crap that marketers produce as fact. Examples:

You must keep hydrated by drinking at least 2 litres of water a day.

Fat is bad for you. Something containing 2% fat is better for you than something containing 3% fat.

Margarine is healthier than butter.

Red meat stays in your gut for 3 years.

It's made from natural ingredients so is healthy (lead, uranium and shit are naturally occurring!)

Anyway heres some stuff that marketers are telling us that we let wash over us without questioning it......

cactus nutri flavins
apricot extracts and shimmering pigments
balanced swiss botanicals
magnesium and multi vitamins
3 times sleeker
100% more volume and perfectly individual
70% more radiant colour
+ 80% colour radiance protection
upto 70% less frizz
upto 80% more volume
upto 70% smoother
90% more toned
20% more fade resistant colourant
your face could be 20% more firmer
with rigennium xy
gentle wheat proteins
a patented formula in anti aging technology
retinol A
fruit essences
double the shine result
with proteins and active minerals
contains clearex
matifying microsponges
anti friz serum with microfruit oils
pro vitamin formula
duel action of co enzymes
smart foundation to balance skin
extra rich volumising lather
with grape seed extracts and ceremides
collagen boosted
it's activia multiplies skin defense levels
micro particles and crystals
activiacell improves skin quality
with active fruit concentrate
lysate of L. Bifidus
unique pro argin formula
youthgen technology
smart tone technology
freshness after 10 hours (intensity score of nearly 3!)
new Elvive - even more science
with the LR2412 molecule
dimensional colour
Vaseline - Stratum Corneum
Argenine
touch hold technology
inea inchi oil
actipearls to neutralise odour (that's fanny odour!)
Nivia - 100 years of feeling closer
skin surface moisture barrier
Smart pigment capsules
infused with liquid light technology
nanasomes of pure retinol A
microdermabrasions
with hydrospheres
micropolutants in the cell matrix
specially selected ginger captured in it's purest form
equaderm
with active soy SP15
Amino/pro-V complex
3 dimensional shine
soft scabulets
resurfacing exfoliator
optimising moisturiser
enriched with firming pieriplastol pyroastyl
BOSWELOX
Powerful formulas enriched with LR 2412 + Perline-P
adds luminosity to your face

So next time you're pondering over which bubble bath/shower gell/ soap to buy just remember they're all basically the same; sodium laureth sulphate and water, so just buy the cheap Aldi one. (unless it contains matifying microsponges of course, who can resist those?!)

2. Dogs. (actually dog owners) (more accurately, inconsiderate dog owners)

I've been prompted to jump to the dog owners section because of Willoughby.

Willoughby is an English setter that was taking it's owners for a walk down Wyming Brook on Saturday14th July 2012. Wyming Brook is a Sheffield Wildlife Trust nature reserve, it should be a place of tranquility but on Saturday14th July 2012 all I could hear was WILLOUGHBY!!! WILLOUGHBY!!! WILLOUGHBY!!! WILLOUGHBY!!! -loud whistle-WILLOUGHBY!!! WILLOUGHBY!!! WILLOUGHBY!!! WILLOUGHBY!!!-another loud whistle-WILLOUGHBY!!! WILLOUGHBY!!! WILLOUGHBY!!! etc....

So why was Willoughby allowed to run a mock in the nesting season in a nature reserve? Because his owners are rubbish at training dogs and have little or no respect for their fellow walkers or the natural world - that's why.

Now don't think I'm having a go at dogs, I'm actually quite a softy when it comes to dogs and there are many dogs I've enjoyed/enjoy being around, here's some I can remember: Asprula, Lulu, Blue, Bonnie, Beavor, PJ, Jasper, Pickle, Fly, Marsco; but here's the thing, I chose to be round those dogs and if I hadn't, I wouldn't expect to have to defend myself from them leaping up at me as I did with WILLOUGHBY!!! WILLOUGHBY!!! WILLOUGHBY!!!!

Before I continue, here's me with a dog:

OK here's the list of stuff that you dog owners do that I don't like:

1. Shouting an out of control dog e.g. WILLOUGHBY!!! WILLOUGHBY!!! WILLOUGHBY!!! - If you can't control your dog, put it on a lead.

2. Assuming I want your dog's wet nose in my crotch, I don't.

3. Letting your dog crap on a thoroughfare without cleaning it up.

4. Cleaning up your dog's crap and then hanging it in a tree in a sealed bag so it stays there for the next 5 years.

5. Letting your gangster dog run around in a children's playground - You really are a moron!

6. Saying to the press after your dog has mutilated a child "he was such a lovely dog, he never attacked anyone before"

7. Letting your dog bark all night (actually anytime, it's really annoying)

8. Letting your dog sit on a chair in a pub - Even saw one one a table once!

9. Complaining you're short of money/drawing welfare while owning a dog.

My solution:

Re-introduce dog licencing; same cost as a TV licence. All dogs to be chipped. Any dog found stray to be put down or returned to the owner. Owner to be charged for cost of recovery or termination. Dogs causing a nuisance by barking to be destroyed at cost to owner. All owners to go on a dog training and education course.

Here's some links:

Attacks on guide dogs hit new high, says charity

Swindon toddler mauled in dog attack

Dog attacks (Don't look here if you're squeamish.)

Here's a list of birds that nest on or close the ground and will desert their chicks (which will then starve to death) if your dog runs around the countryside from March to August.

Grouse, pheasant, partridge, wood warbler, short eared owl, nightjar, skylark, meadow pippit, lapwing, curlew, dunlin, ducks, egrets, moorhen, coot, blackbird, song thrush, harriers, gulls, terns, little ringed plovers, oystercatchers etc etc etc........

4. Motorists.

I'm starting with motorists because they seem to annoy me more than any other group; probably because statistically there is a greater chance of me encountering this group than any other on the list. Here's the things they do that piss me off:

1. Using poxy, tiny, tiny, little side lights in rain, mist, dusk. Why don't they just put their headlights on so we can see them better?

2. Using their MASSIVE billion watt fog lights when it is slightly misty. I suspect this is mainly a statement saying "look at me, I may have a shit Corsa but I've got some cool fog lights that my mate Baz fitted" well they're not cool, they're just big lights dickhead!

3. People who don't understand that a bus/taxi lane that is timed, e.g. buses and taxis only between 7:30am and 9:30am can be used perfectly legally outside those hours. Main culprits - Taxi drivers!

4. Not indicating at roundabouts. It's really simple, if you approach a roundabout and you want to take the first left, indicate left - this will show any motorist waiting to exit the said junction that you are not a hazard and that he may enter the roundabout. If you don't indicate he has to wait until you have manoeuvred and that takes valuable time. If you approach a roundabout and want to go straight ahead don't indicate at all until you have passed the last junction before your exit then indicate left. If you want to go right, indicate right as you approach the roundabout and then change to indicating left when you have passed the last junction before your exit.

5. Driving too close to the car in front - MORON!

6. Retro fitting spoilers/alloys/stripes/tinted glass/stickers etc. etc. to cars, especially shitty little cars.

7. Tiny blonde women driving Tarquin and Henrietta to school in a giant 4x4 sport thing.

9. Personalised number plates. Oh why would you? Is your life so empty and boring that a highlight, on which you're prepared to spend money, is to have your registration plate letters the same as your initials? Or, even worse, similar to your name/initials. Ugh!

10. Stopping and waving me through when they have right of way and the act of waving me through has taken longer (and has created confusion and an otherwise non existent hazard) than if they had just carried on.

11. Sticking stickers on their rear windows consequently reducing their view.

12. Using their disabled badge as a way of parking, with immunity, in a dangerous place; cause an accident and someone may get hurt or even disabled! Tit!

13. Insisting on parking outside their own house even though it would be safer to park opposite with the rest of the neighbours just so they don't have to walk 5 more yards home.

14. People who flash to get past on a motorway when clearly you are part of a line of 1000 cars all doing 80mph

15. People who can't seem to understand that even though they are 3 cars back from the red traffic light that when it turns amber they can start getting ready to move forward. Instead they wait for the car infront to set off then look in their mirror, bring up the clutch to biting point, release their hand brake....... GET ON WITH IT!

My Hate List

I'm writing this because I find myself forever grumbling about stuff that annoys me and I'm sure it's getting on people's nerves, so, once it's blogged I'm not going to say it out loud.

Here's the list. (which I'm sure will be added to over the coming years). It's in no particular order, so if you're a dog owner please don't think I hate some of the things you/your dog does any more than I hate the things motorist or fat people do. Also don't think that just because you happen to be a fat person/motorist/dog owner that I hate you; I don't, I just hate certain aspects of what you do, I probably really like you. However if you fit into more than 10 of the categories I probably do hate you - sorry! (although I suspect you probably hate me too.)

Also, before I start, I need to explain that just because you see yourself on the list below that you will necessarily annoy me, for example, motorists per se don't annoy me, neither do dog owners or marketing/advertising executives, it's only certain aspects of what they may do that grate and they may not necessarily do them.

OK here goes.....

1. People who get two, to, too & there, their, they're mixed up/aren't aware that there is a difference.

2. Dog owners.

3. Fat people.

4. Motorists.

5. Cyclists.

6. Pedestrians.

7. Marketing/Advertising bods.

8. Hypocrites - Religious/vegetarian/moral/politicians.

9. Litter droppers.

10. Brand buyers.

11. Watches.

12. Thought for today/pause for thought.

13. Fashion.

14. The way Countryfile is formatted.

15. The way they show people being introduced to/the greeting with presenters on TV.

16. Cat owners.

17. Money wasting road schemes.

18. The matrix signs on motorways.

17. Off roaders.

18. Footballers.

19. "Creative" accounting.

20. The way people (especially Americans) go "whooop"

21.The way people (especially Americans) do "High Five" and punch their mate's fist with their fist as a greeting + any other newly created greeting.

22. The way people (especially Americans) mimic Hollywood in real life.

23. People who say: Skellington, Hospikal, Offov, Everythink (I will add to this as I hear them rather than start a new category each time)

24. Bottled Water.